


You want her, you need her...

by RoseCriss



Series: I'll never be her. [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Brother-Sister Relationships, Canon Divergence, Inspired by Music, One-Sided Attraction, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:36:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11116227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseCriss/pseuds/RoseCriss
Summary: Jace wanted her, not him. And he would never be her.





	You want her, you need her...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone!! I'm back with another Jalec piece (I can't get enough of them ;_;), this time a one-sided one.  
> This is the first part of a series, which will be based on the song "I hate u, I love u" by gnash feat. Olivia O'brien. The first time I listened to this song, I immediatly associated it to Alec and his struggle with his feelings for Jace. So, even though I should be studying for my exams (oops!), I decided to write this first part, since it wouldn't leave my mind.  
> Both titles are taken from the song's lyrics.
> 
> I'm not a native speaker, so I apologise in advance for any mistake you might come across while reading it (Plus, I am/was really tired while I re-read it). Feel free to correct anything! :D
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

 

 

 

 

 

**_“I hate that I want you_ **  
**You want her, you need her**  
**And I'll never be her.”**

 

“Izzy, this can’t keep happening,” Alec said, with resolution. “We can’t keep ignoring the rules like they aren’t even there!”

Isabelle sighed. “Alec, we are doing this for a good cause,” she began. “It’s the right thing to do, she needs our help - ”

“Why does everyone keep using the girl as an excuse?!” he interrupted, annoyed. “She comes out of nowhere and suddenly she’s reason enough to break the law?”

Shaking her head slowly, she turned away from her brother, facing the open space that was one of the Institute’s most popular gathering places. “Alec, you’re my brother and I love you, but I think you shouldn’t mix things…” she began, looking down.

“I’m not mixing anything!” he said, tightening his grip on the glass in front of him. “I am merely stating the fact that we are bending the rules for someone we barely even know.”

Isabelle was about to argue, when she noticed the pair talking below where she and her brother stood.

Alec didn’t notice though, and kept defending his position. “Have you considered the repercussions this could have on us? On our family?” He asked, with a serious expression.

“You sound just like Mother,” she said, with a sad tone to her voice.

“Well, maybe she is right,” her brother argued.

The dark-haired girl sighed and was about to counterargue, when she realised the pair downstairs was no longer talking.

Noticing the surprised expression on his sister’s face, Alec turned around, facing the same direction his sister was facing. As soon as he spotted the pair kissing downstairs, he wished he hadn’t.

Isabelle’s expression quickly morphed into a mournful one, looking at her brother and reaching to touch his hand.

“Don’t.” Alec said, pulling his hand away from her touch. Glancing one more time towards the pair, without a flinch, he turned around and left.

Isabelle sighed, knowing that even though her brother hadn’t showed, that kiss had really affected him. She, too, glanced one more time at the scene before going after her brother. She couldn’t help the tiny little smile that crept for a few seconds on her lips; after all, Jace was like a brother to her and she could see how happy he was around Clary.

Alec had made a beeline to the training room and was now violently beating a punching bag, only pausing to take off his shirt, that was starting to cling to his sweat covered chest.

He was just _so_ mad. With every punch, he felt himself getting angrier. Why couldn’t he just stop having those feelings? Hell, why couldn’t he just stop feeling _at all_?! Why did that minuscule spark of hope inside him refuse to be put out? His hands were starting to get bloodied; he had forgotten to wrap them up, being so eager to let his frustration out.

As much as he hated to admit it, seeing Jace kiss Clary had bothered him. _Bothering is an understatement_ , he thought, landing a hard kick on the punching bag, sending it backwards as if it were a mere balloon. He grabbed it when it came back, steading it while trying to steady his own ragged breathing.

He needed to make it stop, those thoughts, those _desires_. They were against everything he stood for, they were against the _law_ , and as far as he was concerned, the law was never to be broken. Hell, now that he thought hard about it, the few times he had even considered breaking it, it was because Jace had asked him to and he would do anything for him, even if he wasn’t always conscious of that fact. The pattern behind his risky decisions was obvious, no wonder Izzy had figured it out so quickly. Still, his parabatai was none the wiser and Alec thanked the Angel for that every single day.

After unloading half a bottle of water into his empty stomach, Alec restarted hitting the bag like his life depended on it. Punch after punch he tried to clear his mind, but kept failing miserably, which only made him hit the bag harder and harder, if only to feel the pain of his now raw knuckles instead of the desperation and self-hatred he felt incessantly, like the ticking of a clock.

He was so focused on his task that he didn’t even hear Isabelle coming in and crossing the room, to stand next to him. She cleared her throat, making her presence noticed.

Alec, now fully aware that she was there, chose to ignore her.

“Alec…” She began, not completely sure what to say.

“Isabelle,” he began, trying to control his breathing enough to be clear, but still refusing to stop hitting the bag. “Please, don’t.”

Izzy sighed, eyes beginning to get bright with unshed tears. She couldn’t handle seeing her big brother like that, so _hopeless_. Ever since she was old enough to remember, Isabelle saw her brother like this big steady rock, always collected and put together, never showing weakness. That is why she, at 7 years of age, was very surprised to find out he felt anything for anyone other than her; he used to be a complete different person around her than he was in the presence of others, especially adults.

“I…” She tried, stopping when she realised she had no idea what to say. What could she possibly say to make it better? She could only imagine what it must feel like, never experiencing anything like that herself. All Izzy wished was that she could somehow make it better for her brother; she would do anything for him.

Alec abruptly stopped the bag with both hands, steading it before turning around to face his sister. Before he could say anything, Izzy noticed his bloodied knuckles, gasping at the sight of it.

“Alec!” she exclaimed, astounded. “Why didn’t you wrap them up?” She asked, moving closer, stele in hand.

The dark-haired boy dismissed her worry. “Nothing an iratze can’t heal,” he said, refusing to let her activate his rune. “I’ll do it later. Just go, please, I need to train,” he stated, hoping she would get the hint and leave.

Isabelle shook her head, slowly. “Alec, please don’t shut me out,” she asked, taking a step closer to him. “I’m here for you, I want to help you through this!”

Alec sighed. “Then go, please.”

With a single tear rolling down her face, Izzy nodded, knowing there was nothing she could do for him right now. Turning around, she began walking towards the door, glancing at Alec one more time before leaving for her room.

Taking the water bottle next to him, Alec poured the rest of its content on his head, feeling it stream down his face. He hated himself even more now, for dragging his own sister into the muddled mess that was his mind, his life. He promised himself he was going to be a better actor around her, he was going to be better at concealing his feelings from her; after all, if he excelled at it when it came to pretty much everyone else, why wouldn’t he be able to at least be convincing around her too?

Pulling his wet shirt on, he noticed his raw knuckles. He was so drowned in thoughts that the pain coming from them was like a ghost, he could barely feel it. Taking his stele from the back pocket of his jeans, he activated his iratze; he didn’t really feel like coming up with excuses to explain his bruised knuckles.

Heading to his room to take a shower, Alec passed by the kitchen. The door was ajar, with a crack just wide enough for him to see what was going on inside, as he walked by.

He couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped his throat. Jace was inside, pan in hand, making pancakes with the red head.

Unconsciously he had stopped and was now observing the pair interacting. Clary was laughing at something his parabatai was saying, and Jace? He had a wide grin on his face, one Alec hadn’t seen in a long, long time.

Not bearing to look at the scene anymore, Alec quickly made his way down the hall to his room, kicking the door shut behind him. He leaned against it, slowly slipping until he was sitting on the carpeted floor.

Jace wanted _her_. He knew that, hell, he had found out not long after she had shown up out of nowhere. At first, he thought his parabatai was just helping her out because she had no one, and he knew well what it felt like. But after a while, after all those unsanctioned missions and insane requests, Alec was sure it wasn’t just out of empathy that Jace was aiding her, it was out of something entirely different, something stronger. And there was nothing he could do about it, nothing he could have done.

Jace wanted _her_ , not _him_. And he would _never be her_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I'd really, really appreciate it if you could let me know what you think! ^^


End file.
